Leafy Green Thoughts

Spring cleaning maybe a back breaking exercise but it always throws up some surprise that acts as a balm on my tired self. There is a box full of books that I hold dear to me and every spring cleaning mission I just change the box but never remove a piece from the pile. Fairy tales, adventure, ghost stories, a few autobiographies and of course the romantic stories all stacked together, a precious piece of my growing up years.

This time I went through the lot, book by book. A film of haze had settled on them reflecting their age. Some had dog ears and I admonished myself of not handling the books carefully. There was joy emanating from each yellow page that I touched. The romantic pile brought out girly giggles as I recalled how I used to read them in the dead of night, sometimes using a torch to avoid getting caught. It was a different era or is it still the same? Do youngsters of today miss a heartbeat as they read about the tall dark and handsome hero behave in the most obnoxious chauvinistic manner yet melting in the knees in the last few pages.

Nestled in amongst the lot I found a tattered diary. At first I could not recollect its existence but slowly it came back. I was never a diary person but only when I would want to hold onto my thoughts that I wrote. Pages written in pencil had gone practically blank but I strained to catch a few words and surprisingly the thoughts started to flow in.

I present to you from the tattered diary of young autumn leaf. It could be disjointed because pages and words have been wiped out. Some have dates others are just a paragraph or a line. Here are a few pages that I could read.

Not dated: I want to fly. Why can’t I? Two wings pasted on the shoulder should do it. Shall ask grand ma to make some strong glue for me. Wish I was a crow.

3-03-69: We have a house of our own now. Grand ma and I share a room. Have been given a place for my dolls and toys. They are very happy. The best part of this house is that it has a tiny garden and a coconut tree at the side. Grand ma says we will plant other trees. It gets very quiet in the evenings. One girl came to play with me today but went away because she did not want to play with my dolls. She said they were not good. Some don’t have hands or legs but they are good. I love them.

12-06-69: Cousin Sister’s wedding was fun. She looked so beautiful with all the jewellery and the red and gold veil. I liked the gifts she was getting, so many. The husband looked good but I did not like him because he was smoking and it made me cough. We all cried when she left with her husband. Why can’t girls remain in their homes after marriage? I will not go.

Why does my mother always think that I am not good in studies? I don’t like to do sums but I am always forced. I love literature, moral science and history. She will not allow me to study literature in the morning and it makes me sad. I love the poem “The Echoing Green”. All my friends write poetry but I cannot. I will try.

There is a war on. Lights out in the evenings. People talk in hushed tones. Grand ma says at war times we must be alert but why must we fight? There are some new people who have come to our area, small children also. They are refugees. They have seen war they say. Lot of people killed and their homes were burnt. They are here in search of a new home. My mother gave them some clothes and food. I saw a rag doll in a little girl’s hand. She said that was all they could come with. Poor doll looked in need of a bath. I thought these people will stay in our garden but they left. I wish I see them again.

Today I was elected the class monitor. I will get my badge soon. I will not be like others; I will not give names of talking girls to the teachers. I will bring out the register before the teacher asks me. I won by 14 votes. I was very happy. Lunch time I cannot play because I have to see that no one remains in the classroom. I will come home and play.

20-01-73: Today I spoke in the morning assembly. They all said my voice was very good. I spoke on good deeds. Ms. Saunders was especially happy about my pronunciations. I have been asked to speak again next month. Topic I will have to choose. As usual some girls were jealous, it makes me sad.

I don’t like my birthday; it is always during my final examinations. I cannot even wear a coloured dress to school.

Yesterday my maternal grand ma passed away. She had cancer. I had made pudding for her two days ago, she could hardly eat. She is with God now, must be happy. We are all sad. Ma keeps crying but we all have to go someday. Losing ones parents can be painful.

Some loose sheets dated 28th. June 1979:

School over. I have decided to become a journalist. Getting to the root of the matter is what excites me. Television too interests me but I guess you have to look good to become a news reader. I am good with my voice and diction but don’t know if they will like my face. Newspaper journalism is what I will begin with. Political news I am not interested in but I like sports news. My friend told me that girls do not do sports reporting then I do not know what I will write about. I must also learn to type on the typewriter, maybe a course in shorthand would help. But all this after I finish with my high school. Then do my graduation and after that can I study journalism. God please help me, it is my wish to become a journalist.

1982 I got married. God had other career plans for me. I just took you on a journey of a young green leaf that after years have mellowed into an autumn leaf.

A Conversation With You

Illness in the family can be a trying time. My baby was not well. The illness took a long time to be diagnosed and the treatment even longer. My world had come to a standstill as I tried to nurse and watch the specialists at their job. It had made me irritable and worry lines were well pronounced on my face. The former I agree to because I had been snapping at any question thrown towards me. About the dark circles under my eyes it is an observation of other members in our family.

My husband a calm gentleman, had been arranging for the specialists and I have been warning him not to fall for “quacks”. You see how many are genuine knowledgeable professionals today; most of them are “learnt the trade on the job” variety. Oh I can now tell them by their gait, their probing questions and the blank look as they stare at my baby.

The other day I had to show a specialist the door for trying to touch my baby with dirty hands. How could he! No sense of hygiene! I was so upset that I did not have my lunch. I am not seeking sympathy or pity but I want my near and dear ones to understand that I am going through some stressful times. Since it is an intimate conversation with you, I have no qualms in opening my heart to you. I know you will not let me down. My two grown up children do not understand too.

My son keeps calling all the way from USA asking me what medicine he has to take for his bout of asthma. He is big enough to know that and surely not disturb me with such trifle issues. My baby is sick, suffering from an unknown virus, I try to communicate that to him as well. Then my daughter, working, calls up asking me about my health! God! When will they ever understand the gravity of the situation? As if that was not enough she even wrote in a mail asking me not to be so jumpy and be calm and take things in my stride. It is a lost world for me, with a sick baby how else can I be?

Then there are the “do-gooders” lot. They always know how to rub salt on the wound but sweetly. They come up with the wisest suggestions that could have avoided the disaster. Hear this, an aunt with the most honey soaked voice advised me “…always keep it under wraps, dust is what you need to protect it from” How could she even imagine that I keep my baby exposed! Another said “…do not allow too many to handle it.” IT? Who my baby? What audacity! I crashed the phone down. “Hope you are going in for the specialists, I could suggest someone” No thanks, leave me alone I said under my breath.

In all this my husband showed me two guest invitations for a play that had the town talking about. But how am I to leave an ailing baby back at home, just no one understands! Nursing is not an easy task. I even sing hoping that the music therapy might just work.

The most well known specialist known to track any virus down is coming home this evening, my husband gave me this good news over the phone. It took some amount of pleading and names dropping before he agreed. He is coming armed with an antidote that costs a bomb, my husband said. Never mind, we will cut down on all other expenses including phone calls to our two now grown up children.

With an air of authority the specialist came. Without wasting any time he just got straight to the job. This attitude is very comforting. He knew his job, he reversed the position of the baby, gently yet firmly loosened all covers and then removed them. Then in one swift movement removed the brain and replaced it with a new one.

Covers put back, he re-booted the system. Excuse me; I have a problem with the phrase “re- boot”, it hurts. Then he injected it with the latest anti virus and assured me that now my baby is well protected.

I asked for an immunization schedule to help prevent any such attack. He laughed, rude man I thought. He got the meaning though and assured me that it would be automatically done. Relieved, I looked Heaven wards thanking the Lord.

“My Charges” these words brought my gaze down at the elaborate sheet he was holding out. The figure to be paid made my jaws drop and eyes pop out. After the specialist left, I asked my husband if this was not covered under our medical insurance. After all it was a brain transplant. Poor man he just stared at me, words failing him once again.

To see the cursor blinking again made me happy. How and when a machine had become such an integrated part of our family I had no clue. My mind went out to my two grown up kids staying far away. A click or two later I had them both smiling on my screen. I missed them I said and sent virtual hugs and kisses. Don’t know what they felt but for me it was my world that I got back from the clutches of a virus.

It has been a long time since I had this heart to heart chat with you too. Now you know the reason. I missed you, did you?